Nikki F. Bas was shocked, shocked on Tuesday during the City Council meeting that slashed the budgets of both the Police Department and the Fire Department. “Most of what is before us,” she moaned, “is really hard to swallow.”
What is before Bas, and before Fife, Kaplan, Kalb and the rest of them, are the facts:
- The city is broke.
- Public safety is going to take a major hit.
- Taxes will be raised.
This is all unfortunate, and so, so unnecessary. Bas is like the arsonist who pours gasoline all over everything, then lights a match and tosses it. When the house explodes in an inferno and Bas is arrested, she tells the cops she hadn’t known her actions would burn down the house. “Gasoline and lit matches? Who knew?” she asked innocently.
Most voters believed Bas. “She seems honest to me,” said Leslie R. Schmuckhead. Said another, Ernest Psychobabble, “Bas is for marginalized people. She wouldn’t deliberately do anything bad.” Nvidia L. Muddlehead said she voted for Bas “because my dealer told me to.” A man who gave his name only as Terry said, “I like her smile. She’s so pretty.”
After the Council meeting, Bas went to her office on the second floor of City Hall and cleared out her desk. She now will be working out of the Alameda County Administration building on Oak Street. We caught up with her.
Coalition: “What should we call you now? Councilmember Bas? Former Council President Bas? Interim Mayor Bas? Incoming Supervisor Bas?”
Nikki: “Just call me Nikki.”
Coalition: “What do you consider your greatest achievement as a Council member, Nikki?”
Nikki: “Lowering OPD’s budget to unsustainable levels.”
Coalition: “But doesn’t that endanger public safety?”
Nikki: “Screw public safety. Power to the people. Theft is the just redistribution of wealth. Give Oakland back to the Ohlones. We must raise business taxes.”
Coalition: “But won’t more businesses just leave town if you raise their taxes?”
Nikki: “Good riddance to them. They’re just out-of-town billionaires.”
Coalition: “Wait a minute. Are you saying the Sikh guy who has a little convenience store on International Boulevard is an out-of-town billionaire?”
Nikki: “We don’t need no stinking stores in Oakland.”
Coalition: “Then where will people buy the things they need?”
Nikki: “We will give it to them.”
Coalition: “Who is ‘we’?”
Nikki: “Government.”
Coalition: “Where will government get the money?”
Nikki: “Taxes. And we’ll raise parcel taxes too on those out-of-town billionaires.”
At that point Nikki was met on the street by her good friend, Cat Brooks, who has hired Nikki as a fundraiser for her Anti Police-Terror Project. Nikki has promised to get millions of dollars from her supporters at SEIU and give them to Brooks. As the two women were chatting, shots rang out.
Steve Heimoff