Jan. 25, 2025--It’s official! The number of homeless people in Oakland has exceeded the housed population for the first time in the city’s history. According to the latest figures from the Oakland Bureau of Homelessness, there were 356,712 homeless people in the city, and only 97 housed people.
“This represents a milestone in the city’s history,” declared Cat Brooks, the Minister of Progressive Everything. Brooks attributed the achievement to the city’s landmark No Housing For Anyone law, which she wrote; it raised property taxes by 1,000,000%, thereby driving out what few residents remained in housing, and also made housing completely unaffordable. “By this means,” added Brooks, “we accomplished the progressive goals of housing all the unhoused people in Oakland while at the same time ridding ourselves of white supremacists who lived in the Hills. For the first time, we can truly say that Oakland has achieved Equity!” Asked what “Equity” means, Brooks replied, “It means no one has housing.”
I interviewed Brooks at her luxurious villa in the hills above Montclair, a lavish, 7-bedroom, 6,000 square foot mansion, which Brooks seized and squatted in when the previous residents abandoned it and fled Oakland after the fifteenth burglary at their home. I asked Brooks how much she pays in rent for her new home. She laughed. “Rent? Don’t be silly. We’ve done away with rent in Oakland. A patriarchal concept, based on slavery, white supremacy and late-stage capitalism. From now on, everything in Oakland is free!”
“But how,” I asked Brooks, “can everything be free? Don’t vendors still have to pay for the goods and services they sell? How are they supposed to make their investment back?”
“Oh, pooh pooh,” Brooks sneered. “Pay is such an obsolete concept. We proved that during the Great Period of Experimentation, when we gave people permission to take whatever they wanted from stores.”
“Yes,” I replied, “I remember those years. That’s why so many businesses closed or left town.”
“That’s a lie!” Cat Brooks asserted. “That’s what the right wing wants you to believe. They left town because they were counter-revolutionaries, and the People of Oakland no longer wanted them here. They couldn’t handle our Progressive policies. Good riddance to them.”
“I see,” I told Brooks. “Well, let me ask you this. What have you done concerning crime?”
Brooks burst into hysterical laughter. “Crime? Why, there is no crime in Oakland.”
“How can you say that?” I asked.
“There’s no crime, because there are no more laws. We did away with those antiquated things. If there are no laws, then no one can break the law. Hence, there is no crime. Besides,” Brooks added, with a sly smile, “Sister Pamela Price, our Minister of Justice, has stopped prosecuting anyone except police officers. The jails are empty. We have solved the problem of crime.”
It was getting late, so I stood up to leave. “Thank you very much, Minister Brooks, for such an enlightening interview. I really appreciate it.”
“Oh, it was my pleasure.” She walked me to the door. “Now, don’t forget your donation to the Anti Police-Terror Project. Remember, we’re the only political party in Oakland that is legal. And it’s illegal not to be a member.”
I drew my wallet out of my pocket and showed her my APTP membership card. Brooks lavished a benign, loving smile on me. “That’s a good boy,” she purred. “My servant will walk you to your car.” She snapped her fingers, and suddenly, from the shadows emerged a familiar face: Sheng Thao! “What can I do for you, Mistress?” she asked her employer.
“Walk my guest to their car.”
“Yes, ma’am,” the servant said, bowing and obeying.
Steve Heimoff