“Violence prevention” has become a meme, or should I say a fantasy, of the woke left that protects criminals while ignoring the cries of the public to protect us from crime.
Here’s how the typical woke—think Dan Kalb, Carroll Fife, Rebecca Kaplan, Nikki Bas, Pamela Price--envisions “violence prevention”:
First, assume the impossible: that crime is “caused” by a racist society, and not by individuals. Once you’ve made this mental leap into illogic, all the other conclusions follow.
Next, start a “commission” to study ways of preventing violence. Let’s make sure to stack the membership with wokes, and mostly people of color, especially those who have been arrested and served time in jail. Also, require that members have histories of hating the Oakland Police Department and demanding its defunding. Prevent anyone who supports cops from being a member.
Then, suck as much money as you can out of the city’s budget, to fund violence prevention programs and salaries. This shouldn’t be too hard, since we—the wokes—now control all aspects of Oakland’s government, including its budget.
Fund nonprofit groups, or create them if you can’t find them, that claim to work in violence prevention, and hire these groups to run the programs. As much as possible, these nonprofits will be managed by the collaborators and co-ideologues of the woke City Council. Their financial books will be closed to public scrutiny. Have private, secret meetings with them to work out the details of how they can claim to have success, while actually having none at all.
Create phony “reports” for the media that show how much violence these programs have prevented. Hundreds of murders, probably! Thousands of robberies, possibly! Since no reporter has the means to disprove or even investigate our claims, we’ll be able to say anything we want. No one will challenge us. The San Francisco Chronicle, our woke ally, will headline: “Oakland Violence Prevention program reports 650% decrease in violence!” Or maybe it was a 650,000% decrease; who knows? Mayor Sheng will give us a plaque and make a little speech.
Let’s have all the woke politicians praise our violence prevention programs, even while knowing that nothing is actually being accomplished. If anyone has the audacity to point out that our violence prevention programs are a total waste of time and money, we’ll reply that the fact that nothing is being accomplished is proof that the programs need more money.
Meanwhile, let’s line up behind our Minister of Justice, the Honorable Pamela Price, and support her efforts to reduce sentences on violent predators of color to the absolute minimum tolerated by law and public opinion. Let’s also support Madame D.A.’s persecution of police officers, because we know that “all cops are bastards.” And if the rightwing white supremacists (many of whom are AAPI citizens) try to recall Madame D.A., we’ll resist them with all the power at our disposal, aided by a woke media that believes and perpetuates our lies. We firmly believe that Pamela Price’s magical thinking, which excuses Black killers, is the only correct interpretation of the law.
At the same time, let’s make sure that we, the woke politicians of Oakland, have security guards protecting us whenever we are in downtown Oakland, especially at night. You never know when these white supremacists will be stalking us in parking garages!
A SPECIAL STATEMENT FROM COUNCIL MEMBER DAN KALB:
Hi everyone. It’s me, Dan the Environmental Man. I know that some people on the right have called our programs for violence prevention “magical” thinking. But here’s the thing: I believe in magic! I believe we can prevent crime by focusing on its root causes. We may not be able to do it overnight, or even this decade, or the next decade, or this century, or this millennium. But we can do it! So let’s be patient. It took us a long time to get into this mess; it will take us a long time to get out of it. We have to remember that most criminals, including murderers, are just misunderstood children who made a mistake. Who among us hasn’t made a mistake? “Do unto others,” etc. etc. Consider the three gangbangers who killed Jasper Wu. From what I hear, they’re good kids: loving sons, good fathers, devout churchgoers. They have endured the harshest racism from white supremacists. They didn’t deliberately shoot Jasper; he just happened to be there. It was an accident, for crying out loud! Accidents happen! Who among us hasn’t had an accident? Show a little Oakland love here. We should give them a second chance to become productive citizens. And if, after D.A. Price lets them out of jail and they kill again, well, that’s just evidence of how deeply systemic racism has infected America! So remember, the more crime there is, the more money we have to invest in violence prevention programs! And the more criminals we’ll be able to release from prisons, especially after we shut them down! It’s just common sense. Oh, and by the way, I’ll be running for re-election next year, so please send me your campaign donations! Recommended donations are $50 and up. Donations are not tax-deductible. Consider a continuing pledge of $25 a month. This statement has been authorized by the California Secretary of State. No donations have gone, or will go, toward my personal lifestyle. Sign up for your free “KALB ’24!” bumper sticker. Ads paid for by the Re-Elect Dan Kalb 2024 Committee. Supporters include, but are not limited to, Sheng Thao, Nikki Bas, Carroll Fife, Rebecca Kaplan and Cat Brooks. Decarcerate now! Power to the people! Defund the police!
Thank you, and God bless!
Your Favorite Progressive Councilmember,
Dan
Steve Heimoff