What would Jesus do?

If Jesus came back and landed in Oakland, he’d be in the mood to kick some ass. Starting with Carroll Fife, Sheng Thao, Nikki Bas, Pamela Price, Cat Brooks and all the other wokes. “I made Oakland a fine, clean, working-class town,” He’d tell them. “And then you came along and ruined it with your muddle-headed nonsense.”

Then He’d move on to the homeless. “I gave you brains and the ability to make intelligent choices. And what did you do with it? You threw it all away. You insulted Me. I don’t care about you anymore.”

I think Jesus would join the Coalition for a Better Oakland. Is that hubris? Why? We’re on the side of everything He stood for. Fairness. Decency. Morality. Peace. Love. Jesus certainly wouldn’t buy into this “equity” B.S. He didn’t judge people by their skin color, as wokes do. He didn’t say there’s no such thing as “truth” because everybody’s point of view is equal. Some points of view are vile and stupid, no matter how many people harbor them. Jesus also didn’t say that criminals are good people who were compelled into their abnormality by racism and capitalism. He forgave them, yes; but He insisted they recognize their culpability in preying on innocent victims, and He would be supporting the Recall of Price. We too would forgive Oakland’s criminals if they apologized sincerely for their crimes. But I’ve never heard of a criminal who was truly sorry for his behavior. Usually, they say whatever they think will get them off the hook.

Think about what would happen if Jesus actually appeared in, say, Frank Ogawa Plaza. There’d be a flash of brilliant light. City Hall would reverberate with the shock wave. All of a sudden, there He is, bathed in a halo of glory. The media rushes down: Henry Lee, from KTVU, reports live. “Mr. Christ! Mr. Christ! Can I ask a question?” The City Council, thinking this could be a bonus to their political ambitions, rushes down, to have their photos taken next to the Savior. As the cameras flash, Carroll Fife thinks, “Wow, I never really believed in Him, but there He is. This news feed is going around the world. I gotta get beside Him.”

But a funny thing happens. As Fife sleazes next to Jesus, He turns to her and the look in His eyes tells her she made a mistake. “Take yourself away from Me,” He intones. “You have distanced yourself from My truth. You are a modern-day Pharisee, with your sanctimonious pretensions. Crawl back under your rock. I’ll get to you in good time.” Fife is shocked, shocked. “What did I do, Lord, to earn Your enmity?” “Ponder on it,” Jesus says, and then turns to Cat Brooks. “And you,” He says, His eyes blasting like a coal furnace. “Stirring up trouble all the time, with your race-baiting and hatred of the police. I bless the police! I protect them. They are My chosen ones, my angels. If it was up to you, Oakland would be overridden and defeated by murderers. The police are My thin blue line to protect the people. Get thee behind Me!”

Jesus would be particularly scathing toward Thao. “You are supposed to be a leader, a rabbi. Instead, you weigh everything in terms of how it benefits you politically and financially. The people suffer, and you do nothing but posture. You give nice little speeches while the bodies pile up and the shops leave town. You provoke people to fight with each another, instead of abiding by My strictures to love thy neighbor as yourself. You are truly awful, Sheng Thao. And as for you, Rebecca Kaplan, you have learned nothing from your study of Holy Kabbalah. Jews like you, we don’t need.”

Have an amazing, blessed weekend. Back on Monday.

Steve Heimoff